New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
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60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I think my mom just blocked me
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra