*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
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My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.