I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
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I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
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There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.