Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
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#NeverForget
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I can also cook 😂
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today