friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
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KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most