[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
You Might Also Like
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.