Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
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[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.