Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”