“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
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driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Nothing.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
“What?”
– Jude
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench