@dadmann_walking

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

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@TEXASVETERAN

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

@MarfSalvador

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

@tuckonthis

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

@reczit

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

@chuuew

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

@chrisdelia

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

@RiotGrlErin

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

@SamGrittner

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

@metickleu

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.