i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
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Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.