Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
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they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I will never stop laughing at this
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.