Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
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You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times