I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
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“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Natural selection at its finest
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*