You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
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dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
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My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory