You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
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doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Yeah. This was me today.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Happy Halloween 🎃
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I put the hot in psychotic.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.