I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
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WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.