The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
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NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
getting old is fun
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Name another movie that mislead you?
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror