“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
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To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
It’s an epidemic…
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead