if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
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I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
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Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
This is so me 😂😂
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Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
I wish this was real life…
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A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
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It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”