if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
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I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*