@smoney12

Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!

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@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

@Rollinintheseat

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

@papasuncle

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

@LackOfShame

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

@RidiculousSheri

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

@GrantTanaka

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

@QwertyJones3

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

@TheTweetOfGod

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.