Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
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Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Go get it, boy!
*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.