Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
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Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
mentally somewhere in italy
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips