Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
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Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
taking June’s advice to heart