Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
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[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Siri, fight Alexa.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please