[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
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Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
😂😂😂
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what