😂😂😂
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Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!