Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
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hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for: