The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
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Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.