@GrantTanaka

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

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@mkpaulsen

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

@Book_Krazy

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

@viadear

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

@Birdhumms

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

@EricaWhoToYou

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

@minkpinkustink

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

@EndhooS

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

@DadandBuried

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

@Cornjerker78

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

@KarenKilgariff

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much