ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
You Might Also Like
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
British websites use biscuits.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.