Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
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Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon