When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
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Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
S/o to @funTweeters .
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
🤣🤣🤣
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.