[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
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Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Best seat on the street 😍
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Breaking news:
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.