What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
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That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
oh u like history? name everything that happened
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
buys donuts instead