A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
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I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea