A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
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{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
58.
Love it! 👍😂
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience