[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
You Might Also Like
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
The Others (2001)
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.