All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
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Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.