My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
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I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
the dark web is just a goth google.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
The cats activated the rainbow portal again