Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

Jokes on them. I took 10.

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.