i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
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Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
this is the most humiliating day of my life
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*