i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
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You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
My plans: 2020:
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William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
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that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
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I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang