William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.