If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
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Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
😂 amazing answer
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Wait a minute…
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job