@SoulYodeler Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
@laurenreeves My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
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@SoulYodeler 
@repomon Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
@GianDoh Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
@Book_Krazy Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
@EndhooS [Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
@LoveNLunchmeat My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
@soyourelikethat Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
@smallfatmonkey How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
@NeinQuarterly Europe. Made in Germany.
@Gorrdano Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.