@laurenreeves

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

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@SoulYodeler

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

@repomon

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

@GianDoh

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

@Book_Krazy

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

@EndhooS

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

@LoveNLunchmeat

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

@soyourelikethat

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

@smallfatmonkey

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

@Gorrdano

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.