My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

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Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.


Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??


Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”


Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday


[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?


My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.


Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.


How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now


Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.