My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
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Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.