*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
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Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Wednesday
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places