Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
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* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap