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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
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murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Match dot com, but for socks.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
#parenting
This is sending me to another galaxy
seems fine
This could be us… but you playing
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.