My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
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Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Hell yeah 👍
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you