Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
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The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.