“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
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Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally