When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
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Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
a badder mouse
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.