her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
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I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]