Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
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If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Same pineapple, same
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.